WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES I SEE BLUE

Snježana Vračar Mihelač

every day to the beach
five uphills three down
on the gravel road I kick rocks
into car tires
dust seeps into ears eyes hair
flung off my pants towel and straight into the sea
fabio carries nonna's deck chair and parasol
looks like a lighthouse from afar
my chest still flat
I could pass for a boy
but he does see me
summer ties the tongue
twisting it and adjusting
just like salt weighs down the hair
parlo inglese e italiano
dad says kids carry no worries on their backs
but it's not true
growing up is an illness it has found its way into us
just like the diagnosis into đurđa's body
nonnos murmur in the shade
sitting over spritzers and cards
her leg is a heavy olive tree trunk
streaked with tributary veins
she can't go to the sea
lies under the fan all day
we visit in the evening
moms send cakes and fruit
fabio's carefreeness knows no diagnosis
storms toward the orange buoy
shoots out of the water like a tangerine
we toss the ball forever
jumping after it
water filling our mouths and noses
spilling transformed into laughter
we'd never admit it
but we're all in love with fabio
he exudes lightness and abundance
a hint of melancholy has found its way into us
it's not just Đurđa
fabio goes on about baseball and travel
his parents drive him to whereverhewants
he doesn't have to worry
about carrying a heavy training bag every day
I leave the beach earlier than everyone
three downhills one up
and two plus two more to the house
fabio gathers nonna's deckchair and parasol
his gaze spikes my budding breasts
before we part he hands me the ball
name written and the phone number
ci vediamo la prossima estate
international calls are expensive
and no clue what to say
he leans in to kiss me
my friends giggle then run away

our hair is branches
figs overripe the last breath of summer
it's the carefree ones
who are few and far between
life moves on to other places
and early autumn in coastal towns is the saddest
waiting for summer 280 times more
I look around for the parasol
and it is not here
and summer comes
his nonna waves from afar
sto bene grazie
fabio ti abbracia
he is spending this summer
on the italian riviera
and our đurđa sailed away
to her lighthouse

translated from Croatian by Anda Bukvić Pažin